Vain, Gay, and Dixie
by ScandalousScalawag
Summary: He aint nothing but a hound dog...hehe wouldnt u all love to read about what the directors cut out of the movie!This is one hilarious fan fic about the Lotr u didnt see!R&R!
1. Default Chapter

The Fellowship of the Ring

"Whimsical Encounterings"

"One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them."

People of different races of Middle Earth, came together to form the Fellowship of the Ring. Their destination was to Mt. Doom where they must destroy the one ring of power. The Fellowship consists of Frodo, the ugly, hideously scary creature, unfortunately the main character. He is a Hobbit with a fro, and is the one carrying the ring. Sam, also a hobbit, is the plump sidekick and obsessive gardener, for Frodo. Merry and Pippin are two stupid, attached hobbits that are just there to make 9 in the Fellowship. Gandalf, a very ancient wizard is Frodo's 'best friend' with bushy eyebrows. Aragorn is also ugly and annoying. He is the heir to Gondor, one of the realms of men, and is stuck-up. Baromir is also man and son of the steward of Gondor. He is overly attached to the ring and Frodo. (Frodo seems to be the popular person for being so ugly.) Gimli is a dwarf with a big annoying hole in the face. He is empty-headed and short. He likes killing orcs and often turns it into a contest. Legolas. Need I say more than, sexy, sexy, sexy, and yummy! He is a sexy elven prince of Mirkwood.

As most of these men had never met one another, Elrond, the leader of Rivendell, decided that they should get to know each other before they set off on a life or death struggle. He put the four Hobbits, two Men, the Dwarf, Wizard, and Elf into a room together so they could talk. It was late at night and even though there were candles it was dim in the room.

"I can't see. Where are you bloody people," Gimli grunted.

"Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see…" (for you who don't know, he was singing the "Bohemian Rhapsody") Legolas sang.

"Shut the hell up!" Aragorn yelled.

"But isn't my voice irresistibly sexy?" Legolas inquired.

"That is a fact," Merry stated to Legolas, who smiled broadly with his 'told-ya-so' look.

"But, Merry!" Pippin cried, "I thought I was your favorite!"

"Oh, I am sorry, Pip," they hugged for the 3rd time that day.

"I am scared, Sam. My shoulder reeks with pain and the ring grows heavier." Frodo said. Sam just stared at him in disgust. Frodo felt hurt. "Don't you care about my pain?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo, but you really need to put this on," Sam said, placing a paper sack over Frodo's head, "It's just disgusting, and I'm stuck with you through all of the movies."

Aragorn stood up on a table and yelled, "Now, I think we should start preparing to leave tomorrow…" Aragorn continued, but nobody cared or listened. They kept on talking amongst themselves.

"Hello?! Hello! Is anybody listening? Don't you care? AM I ALONE IN THIS WORLD?!" Aragorn wailed.

Just then Arwen ran in and embraced Aragorn and wailed, "My life is over. LOOK AT MY HAIR! Damn these onions!" tears pouring down her face as usual. "My father gave me a new pair of earrings made of onions to ward off the vampires."

Baromir broke in, "Isn't it supposed to be garlic?"

Arwen ignored him and kept on whining. Aragorn tried to comfort her, "It's ok honey. It looks…golden."

"Oh, shut the hell up! What do you know?"

Merry whispered to pippin, "PMS."

"I know the feeling," Pippin replied.

Galadrial glided in with a dazed look on her face. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared in horror.

Arwen whined, "What are you all looking at?" she tuned her head to look in the direction of their eyes, "Oh, that. Well, Glady and I had a slumber party the other night and we did each other's hair, and, well, it didn't turn out the way we expected."

"Obviously," Legolas said as he flipped his silverish golden hair, "It's a disgrace to the elves."

"What happened to the lady?" Gimli grunted.

"Well, I didn't really appreciate how Glady did my hair, so I decided to take revenge on her by putting green food coloring into the dye. After I was finished some accidentally spilled onto her upper lip and well…now she has some extra facial hair," Arwen stated, trying to hold back an evil laugh.

"Then why are her eyebrows green too?" asked an interested Gandalf.

"She liked the color," Arwen stated simply, then with a shrug, "But, it seems to have soaked into her brain." She giggled stupidly.

"Oh, Arwen, I love your hair. I am glad you finally took my advice and went blond. Now we can be, like, twins!" Galadriel said stupidly, holding her hair up.

"Galadrial, dear, come with me," Arwen led her over to the grand mirror.

"I don't see why you brought me over here," Galadrial said cluelessly.

Legolas was just walking by the mirror but stopped and stared in amazement.

"Damn! I'm sexy!" he stood there posing and making cute faces in the mirror.

Back to the ugly men, the Fro-master (Frodo), Hammy Sammy (Sam) and G to the G (Gandalf). During the whole hair episode they were discussing the best way to cook tatters.

"Mr. Frodo, so far that bag is only covering your fro and eyes, I'll go find some pretty wrapping paper." Sam waltzed off to do that and passed Merry and Pippin who were making out in the corner. (Icky)

"Wanna join us Sam?" Merry called in between Frenchies.

"Not today boys! I have to help Frodo disguise his ugly head," Sam answered skipping off.

We find Baromir on top of the roof in his underwear and a sports bra singing, "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to…"

Singing seemed to be the thing to do for we find Merry and Pippin in the room, deprived from each other by the TV show "Barney" and singing, "I love you. You love me. We're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too." They've been smoking the pipe way too long.

Legolas is still admiring himself in the mirror; Aragorn is putting on make-up hopelessly. Gimli is reading a book in Elvish…upside down. Gandalf's eyes were burning from being so stupid as to take the bag off of Frodo's head. Luckily his eyebrows shaded the worst of the burn. Sam was still looking for that wrapping paper.

We fade out with the faint sound of, "You ain't nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time." Coming from the roof.


	2. I'm Too Sexy

"I'm too Sexy"

We skip over to the scene where Boromir is killed by Orcs protecting Merry and Pippin who were carried off by the creatures. Frodo and Sam went off to destroy the ring alone. We begin when Legolas and Gimli come to find Aragorn with the dying Boromir.

"I could not do what you did then," Boromir breathed.

"What do you mean?" Aragorn asked.

"I tried to take the ring." Boromir said, soon to be dead.

"I'm, too sexy for the ring, too sexy for my tights, so I'll take them off!" Legolas chanted while doing a little dance and started take them off when he realized that now was just not the right time. "Sorry, I'll shut up now." He then put on his 'I'm-so-sad face and became serious.


	3. The Problem with Gollum

"The Problem with Gollum"

You've all seen it, well maybe not intentionally, the ugliness and yuckyness. No, we are not talking about the Fro-Master's face, though it most definitely applies. It is the Butt-flap. Not just any butt-flap, the holly butt-flap of Gollum. EEEEEWWWWWW. I wouldn't usually mention it but in this case it has to be. I mean, get the poor creature a pair of trousers already!

On to another problem with Gollum. He has a split personality. The evil (Gollum) and the, well, the not so evil side (Smeagol). Either way, both personalities are crazy. The two often have arguments concerning murdering, friends, and rings. Now, here is a new one.

"You have to gets it! You have to gets the precious!" Gollum urged.

"But how, precious?" Smeagol pleaded, "The fat hobbit might sit on me."

"Kill them, kill them both!" Gollum raged.

"For that I must touch the filthy hobbits," Smeagol said in disgust, " The one with the fro is so ugly!"

They continue this for quite some time.

The last really gross thing about him his appearance, and voice. Well, he is extremely scary looking. He has very bad teeth and only about four long strings of hair. He is shriveled up and his skin is slimy and scaly at the same time. We already mentioned the butt-flap. His voice is really like a low hissy, raspy sound and he sings very bad-ly. It's also gross how he likes to pet Frodo. Why would anyone even want to touch him? And those are the problems of Gollum.


	4. The Battle Hymn of Helms Deep

"The Battle Hymn of Helms Deep"

Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn have forgotten about Merry and Pippin and hitchhiked with the Rohinians and found themselves in the midst of a battle.

They were all standing up on the fort waiting for the dawn of battle.

"You could've picked a better spot," grunted Gimli.

Leggy smiles

To pass the time Legolas decides to sing one of his favorite songs, "She thinks my ass is sexy…It really turns her on. La la …La la la la…" he sang faintly and turning it into la's.

"What's that?" Gimli broke in, "That wasn't in my ear shot. What's going on out there?"

"Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?" Leggy jokes dreamily.

Gimli laughs stupidly.

The battle began. Leglas reached back as to grab an arrow.

"Hold your fire!" Aragorn commanded.

Nobody listened and they fired anyway.

Legolas whipped his arm around and pulled out…his electric guitar and started playing and singing, "I love rock-n-roll! Put another dime…" he started head bashing and screaming. Everyone was staring at him by then.

When he finished his song he quietly set his guitar down and whipped out his arrows and started kickin some orc ass.

"One…Two…Three…Four………"


	5. The Drunken Entertainer

"The Drunken Entertainer"

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas were sailing with the green skeleton, ghost thingies. It was a long journey from the Mountain of the Dead to the Pelannor Fields where a battle was taking place. They obviously needed some entertainment. The dead people thought it would be funny to spike the two companions' water. Aragorn was on a different ship. They spiked Legolas's with a lot of tequila while he was on top deck relieving himself. He got quite thirsty. He drank a whole pint of the tequila water and drank three more after that one. He was obviously very drunk.

Legolas tore a leg off of a roasted chicken they had been eating for supper and leaped on top of the head table. He nodded as if to cue music and yelled, "Take it away boys!"

He beat his head and shook his hips to the imaginary music. He started to rap, "It's getting hot in here… so take off all your clothes…" Leggy tore off his shoes and threw them out to the audience of ghosts. He continued with his favorite rap selections until he decided to switch to rock-n-roll. At this point, Gimli climbed up on 'stage' because he was also drunk and started to dance wildly.

"Blue Moooon…you saw me standing alone…without a dream in my heart…without a love of my own" Legolas wailed extremely loudly. Gimli, obviously danced to his own music, had his clothes all torn up and his hair was really messy. He stepped back and took a running leap and hurled himself off the table into a fake mosh-pit. They began to tire out, yes even drunk people do. Leggy started to sing children's songs and they knew it was time to go. So they picked up those two drunks and carried them to their chambers.

He did this to the tune of "Old McDonald"; "Legolas is one sexy elf. E-I. E-I. O…O…OOO….." his voice is heard fading off into the distance.


	6. The Beautiful Present

Author's notes:

BloodyBloomBabies: We are so glad you like our story. Sadly this is the last chapter before the karaoke party which is just as funny if not funnier. In this chapter Leggy is just as vain, but he is so totally SEXY!!!!!

Countess Jackman:We thank you soooooooo much for your reviews. They make us feel good. he he. We hope you will like this chapter just as well.

"The Beautiful Present"

It is all over. The ring has been destroyed and Aragorn is being crowned king of Gondor, unfortunately.

As Gandalf placed the crown of, obviously fake, silver upon Aragorn's head, the new king collapsed under the weight. He jumped back up, with some struggle.

"I'm ok. I'm ok. That was just the weight of my responsibility that pulled me down," Aragorn said. Then seeing that nobody was paying attention, as usual, he mumbled, "As if anybody cares."

He then began his terrible singing as he descended down the isle. He only stopped when he saw Legolas standing before him. Leggy was smiling and he nodded toward his right as if saying, "I have a present for you."

There stood a banner and from behind it came Arwen, her hair now back to normal. She and Aragorn stared at each other, then Aragorn lunged at her and they shared a kiss.

Legolas stood there patiently, then anxiously, then restlessly, and finally he just grew impatient.

"Would you at least give him the present first?" Leggy insisted, "Then you can have at him."

Arwen turned the banner she was holding around, rolling her eyes. On the other side was a sexy picture of, well, Legolas of course. At the bottom it read,

"You can look as sexy as this through plastic surgery. Just call 1-800-Leg-o-las!"

Legolas smiled broadly. Aragorn stared in fake surprise and feigned appreciation. Arwen looked hopefully, and urged, "You should call immediately," She pushed a phone into his hands.

Legolas stood there still smiling and he gave Aragorn a cheesy, yet, very sexy wink.

The End 

Legolas comes back into view for two reasons. I think you know what the first reason is. The second reason is.

"Aragorn, you don't only look terrible, you sing terrible." Leggy whips around and splashes Aragorn's face with his silverish, gold hair.


	7. Lord of the Rings' Karaoke Party

Author's note: Very sorry to say this is the last chapter of our story, so we hope you will enjoy it. We have carefully chosen one or two songs for almost every charactor.

Jack's true luv: Thank you for all your reviews. We have added some more songs so it is different from the last time you read it. Hope you like it.

Countess Jackman: Thank you so much for the reviews. We really enjoyed them. Always glad to make a reader happy. lol. Hope you like it also.

"The Lord of the Rings' Karaoke Party"

We open to the catchy theme song for the Lord of the Rings' Karaoke Party, "Love, is a burning thing. Dun du du dun da daaaaaaaa. That makes…a fiery ring…"

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, elves and dwarfs, goblins and orcs, and all of you other creatures. We are going to finish our trilogy with a fabulous karokee party!" the announcer, Sauron, said, "We will start with the least important and work our way to the most important. Here is the ugly Fro-Master!"

A short child-like figure stumbled out onto the stage. It had pretty wrapping paper (pink with purple swirls) covering his head. The music started and he brought up a microphone and started to sing…badly,

"Beauty school drop out…"

Sam walked out onto the stage shyly and waved to the audience. He tested the microphone and said, "I'm going to sing one of my personal favorites. It's a gardening poem that you probably heard before.

'Mary, Mary, quite contrary how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cocal shells and pretty maids all in a row.'

And now, my second piece is by some guy named after candy.

"I'm gonna make you dance, boy, shake that thang. Oopps, I mean girl. Girl, girl, girl. You know you're my world. Now, lose it. AAAAAAAARRRRRAaagggg…..'

Thank you" He bowed and ran off.

Gollum came crawling out. He stood up strait and started sing, "Hit me baby one more time…"

While he was singing he climbed up on a curtain and in the middle of the, "Hit me baby…" part he leaped off, his butt-flap went flying upward. Everyone gave a piercing scream from the horror. Gollum then bowed low and hissed, "Thank you, my precious."

Gandalf tottered into the center and nodded.

He began to sing, "I put a spell on you…and now you're mine!" he approached a high note and gave a gasp and fell face flat on to the stage. Someone got up and dragged him off stage. It was a heart attack.

Merry and Pippin couldn't be there because they were on their honeymoon, but they sent a tape of their wedding in Massachusetts.

On the tape they were holding hands and looking deeply into each other's eyes and singing the classic, "I got you babe…I got you babe…"

We wish the newlyweds good luck.

Aragorn came on stage. He still was ugly old him since he didn't call 1-800-Leg-o-las and dumped Arwen for pushing him to do so.

"I will sing two pieces tonight." He sang in his terrible voice,

"I am beautiful…no matter what they say…"

He then finished with the song '1985'. (Great song.)

Arwen came out crying from getting dumped and sang, "Onions really smell like poo-oo-ooo…" to the tune of 'Roses'. She then turned to Aragorn and started to chant angrily, "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi. You ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly…"

They both stormed off the stage in separate directions.

Gimli staggered out onto the stage and got into position for his song with hand actions.

"I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout. When I get all steamed up hear me shout. Just tip me over and poor me out."

When he finished he called for someone from back stage and the seven dwarfs came on and performed the rap version of 'High-Ho' from 'Snow White'.

Galadrial skipped out on stage, her hair now hot pink and spiked into a Mohawk. She was dressed in a white leather jacket and short skirt.

She started to sing, "Girls just wanna have fun…"

When she finished she did a cartwheel then skipped off stage.

Legolas was busy so he couldn't make it to the party. He did send a tape from his room of mirrors. The room is completely covered so you could look at yourself from every angle. When the tape begins he is studying him self in a humungouse mirror, "Hello I'm Legolas Greenleaf and today I will be singing 'Sexy Leggy'."

This is to the tune of 'Pretty Women'.

"Sexy Leggy…walking down the street…sexy leggy…the kind I'd like to meet…"

A blinding light flashed and there stood a transparent Boromir.

He started sing, "Far across the distance…I see you…I feel you…that is how I know you go on…" He is quite the good singer. We skip to the end of the song because of short amount of time; "My heart will go ooooonnnnn and ooooooonnnnnnnnnn."

Then a dashing lookin Elrond came out on stage in a black suit and top hat. He had black slacks on and nifty, shiny tap shoes. He looked like a penguin. (He He.) HE took out his baton and started tapping his shoes that turned into a catchy little dance. He then started to sing, "Oh, the weather out side is frightful…"

He was then joined by three other elves in matching outfits.

"Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow." It was the swing version.

"And, that concludes our karokee party. Eee Gads! We're out of time. Later," Sauron finishes in valley girl style.

As we fade out we hear Arwen rage at Aragorn, "You're a BOOB!"

"I fell in to a burning ring of fire…I went down, down, down, and the flames grew hire…"

**By: **

The Bloody Bloom Babies

**Characters:**

Orlando Bloom, and others


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